How Not to Succeed in The Art World
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Artists everywhere work hard to sabotage their careers,
compromise their reputations, make sure they never get shows,
and maintain art world statures of consummate anonymity. In
order to help streamline the process of failure, and as a public
service to all artists who cherish oblivion, I hereby offer the
most expedient means of attaining and solidifying lifelong
positions among the ranks of the unknown. So are you ready to go
nowhere? Excellent. Here's all you have to do:
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* Spontaneously introduce
yourself to anyone you think has any standing in the art world
and/or any ability-- real or perceived-- to buy, sell, broker,
critique, review, advance, or otherwise represent you or your
art. Make no attempt to explain why you're introducing yourself,
how you know who they are, what the purpose of your introduction
is, why you or your art is relevant to what they do, what you
expect to accomplish by speaking with them, or what they can
expect to accomplish by speaking with you.
* Pay no attention to how disinterested anyone might be in
either learning about your art, hearing your life story, or
continuing any type of conversation regardless of the content.
Just keep talking.
* Whenever and wherever possible say the following: "Hi, I'm an
artist. Would you like to see my art?" You can do this in
person, by phone, by email, by mail, etc.
* Whenever and wherever possible, ask people to look at your
art, and then once they're looking at it, say the following: "So
what do you think of my art?" You can do this in person, by
phone, by email, by mail, etc.
* In case anyone expresses interest in seeing your art or
visiting your studio, make sure you have fewer than twenty
pieces of finished work. The less you have, the better.
* Even though you have less than twenty finished works of art,
continually contact dealers and galleries everywhere and ask for
solo shows.
* Whenever you finish a work of art, wait for at least two weeks
before you start a new one. This technique not only keeps your
oeuvre low, but also assures that you're continually out of
practice.
* Even though you may be relatively early in your career, have
had few or no gallery shows, or have not yet established a
reputation where you live or make art, email random requests to
dealers and galleries all over the world asking them to show,
buy, broker, or represent your art.
* Even though you're not yet well known where you live or make
art, present your art to the best galleries in your area, or
better yet, to the best galleries the world. Make sure these
galleries exclusively represent nationally and internationally
renowned artists.
* Buy mailing lists of art dealers, collectors, critics,
curators, and galleries for hundreds of dollars. Then spend
thousands of dollars printing up promotional materials and doing
impersonal mass mailings to introduce yourself and your art.
* When you contact a dealer or gallery either in person or by
mail or email, simply say you're an artist looking for
representation. Make sure they have no idea why you're
contacting them (other than that they're an art gallery and
you're an artist). Also make sure you have no idea why you're
contacting them (other than that they're an art gallery and
you're an artist). Have no idea what kind of art they show,
whether they sell the kind of art you make, whether your art is
priced comparably to the art they sell, or whether your resume
compares favorably with those of the artists they represent.
* Send out random emails to galleries, dealers, etc. that
contain only the URL of your website and nothing else.
* Send out random emails to galleries, dealers, etc. with
nothing but 10 megabytes of images of your art and the text, "If
interested, please email me," however to really do this one
right, leave out the word "please."
* When you present your art, make sure you have no coherent or
unifying explanation for what you do, why you do it, or what
your guiding principles are. Also make sure you're totally
disorganized. Show everything you've ever made, no matter what
it looks like, whether or not you think its any good, whether or
not it relates to what you're making now-- and make sure it's
not in any order. Make no attempt to point out any connections,
similarities, or continuities between any examples of your work.
* Even though you're not that well known, spend thousands of
dollars building a website. Ignore the fact that finding you,
your art, or your website on the Internet will be almost
impossible except for people who already know you. As soon as
your website is finished and online, believe that sales will
just roll in, and make no further attempts to show or sell your
art anywhere in the physical world.
* Make sure you provide no contact information for yourself on
your website, only one of those forms where you fill in fields
and click a "submit" button. The less personal information you
provide, the more reluctant people will be to contact you.
* Think that all you have to do to get known is stay in the
studio, create art, show that art to no one, and make little or
no effort to meet anyone in the local art community. Instead,
believe that someday you'll be discovered.
* Make sure you have no artist statement, no explanation for why
your art looks like it does, what it represents, how it's
evolved over time, or why you make the kind of art you make.
* Make sure you have no idea how to price your art. If someone
asks you how much a piece of your art costs, tell them you don't
know. Or you can ask them how much they think it's worth. If
they suggest a dollar amount, stand there and say nothing.
* If your art is priced and for sale and someone asks you why a
certain piece costs as much as it does, either tell them that's
how much it's worth, that's how much you want for it, or that
you don't know.
* Never ask for feedback about your art. If anyone gives you
feedback, ignore it. This way, you'll have no idea what people
think about your art, whether they understand it, whether they
like it, whether it comes across as effectively as you think it
does, or why anyone would want to show or own it.
* Complain about dealers, other artists, your lack of being
recognized, ignorant collectors, and as many other aspects of
the art world as possible.
* Whenever you have an appointment to show your art, make sure
you're late. Better yet, cancel the appointment once or twice
first; then make sure you're late.
* If you've got a deadline to have your art ready for a show,
miss it. If you've got a deadline to have your statement, bio,
or resume ready for a show, catalog, or website, miss it.
* Assume that everyone understands your art as well as you do.
Assume also that understanding your art is the viewer's
responsibility, not yours.
* Answer "no" to as many questions about your art as possible.
* Correct people's "misconceptions" about your art as often as
possible.
* When someone asks a question about your art, instead of
answering it, ask a question right back.
* If you get a show, contact other "better" galleries as soon as
possible and tell them about your show, but then say you'd
rather show with them.
* Make sure that dealers who currently represent or show your
art have no idea you can hardly wait to blow them off and move
on to someone better.
* Make sure not to cultivate or respect any business
relationships or agreements, especially ones that work.
* Believe that if one gallery or dealer can sell your art, that
all galleries or dealers can sell it.
* Believe that your art sells itself, not the gallery or dealer
who's selling it for you.
* Talk about attorneys, suing people, your legal rights as an
artist, what happens if someone crosses you, that you don't want
anyone reproducing images of your art, that you don't want
anyone photographing your art, that you keep names on file of
everyone who gets sent images of your art, and so on.
* Try to figure out as fast as possible whether the person
you're talking to is worth talking to. If you decide they're not
worth talking to, leave immediately.
* Ignore any suggestions anyone makes about any aspect of how
you present yourself or your art.
* And last, but certainly not least, never do anything for
anybody unless there's something in it for you.
There you go-- your first class ticket to pfffft. Good luck!! |
| Copyright: Alan
Bamberger, 2006. All rights reserved. |
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