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Artists everywhere work hard to sabotage their careers, compromise
their reputations, make sure they never get shows, and maintain art
world statures of consummate anonymity. In order to help streamline the
process of failure, and as a public service to all artists who cherish
oblivion, I hereby offer the most expedient means of attaining and
solidifying lifelong positions among the ranks of the unknown. So are
you ready to go nowhere? Excellent. Here's all you have to do:
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* Spontaneously introduce yourself to anyone you think has any standing
in the art world and/or any ability-- real or perceived-- to buy, sell,
broker, critique, review, advance, or otherwise represent you or your
art. Make no attempt to explain why you're introducing yourself, how you
know who they are, what the purpose of your introduction is, why you or
your art is relevant to what they do, what you expect to accomplish by
speaking with them, or what they can expect to accomplish by speaking
with you.
* Pay no attention to how disinterested anyone might be in either
learning about your art, hearing your life story, or continuing any type
of conversation regardless of the content. Just keep talking.
* Whenever and wherever possible say the following: "Hi, I'm an artist.
Would you like to see my art?" You can do this in person, by phone, by
email, by mail, etc.
* Whenever and wherever possible, ask people to look at your art, and
then once they're looking at it, say the following: "So what do you
think of my art?" You can do this in person, by phone, by email, by
mail, etc.
* In case anyone expresses interest in seeing your art or visiting your
studio, make sure you have fewer than twenty pieces of finished work.
The less you have, the better.
* Even though you have less than twenty finished works of art,
continually contact dealers and galleries everywhere and ask for solo
shows.
* Whenever you finish a work of art, wait for at least two weeks before
you start a new one. This technique not only keeps your oeuvre low, but
also assures that you're continually out of practice.
* Even though you may be relatively early in your career, have had few
or no gallery shows, or have not yet established a reputation where you
live or make art, email random requests to dealers and galleries all
over the world asking them to show, buy, broker, or represent your art.
* Even though you're not yet well known where you live or make art,
present your art to the best galleries in your area, or better yet, to
the best galleries the world. Make sure these galleries exclusively
represent nationally and internationally renowned artists.
* Buy mailing lists of art dealers, collectors, critics, curators, and
galleries for hundreds of dollars. Then spend thousands of dollars
printing up promotional materials and doing impersonal mass mailings to
introduce yourself and your art.
* When you contact a dealer or gallery either in person or by mail or
email, simply say you're an artist looking for representation. Make sure
they have no idea why you're contacting them (other than that they're an
art gallery and you're an artist). Also make sure you have no idea why
you're contacting them (other than that they're an art gallery and
you're an artist). Have no idea what kind of art they show, whether they
sell the kind of art you make, whether your art is priced comparably to
the art they sell, or whether your resume compares favorably with those
of the artists they represent.
* Send out random emails to galleries, dealers, etc. that contain only
the URL of your website and nothing else.
* Send out random emails to galleries, dealers, etc. with nothing but 10
megabytes of images of your art and the text, "If interested, please
email me," however to really do this one right, leave out the word
"please."
* When you present your art, make sure you have no coherent or unifying
explanation for what you do, why you do it, or what your guiding
principles are. Also make sure you're totally disorganized. Show
everything you've ever made, no matter what it looks like, whether or
not you think its any good, whether or not it relates to what you're
making now-- and make sure it's not in any order. Make no attempt to
point out any connections, similarities, or continuities between any
examples of your work.
* Even though you're not that well known, spend thousands of dollars
building a website. Ignore the fact that finding you, your art, or your
website on the Internet will be almost impossible except for people who
already know you. As soon as your website is finished and online,
believe that sales will just roll in, and make no further attempts to
show or sell your art anywhere in the physical world.
* Make sure you provide no contact information for yourself on your
website, only one of those forms where you fill in fields and click a
"submit" button. The less personal information you provide, the more
reluctant people will be to contact you.
* Think that all you have to do to get known is stay in the studio,
create art, show that art to no one, and make little or no effort to
meet anyone in the local art community. Instead, believe that someday
you'll be discovered.
* Make sure you have no artist statement, no explanation for why your
art looks like it does, what it represents, how it's evolved over time,
or why you make the kind of art you make.
* Make sure you have no idea how to price your art. If someone asks you
how much a piece of your art costs, tell them you don't know. Or you can
ask them how much they think it's worth. If they suggest a dollar
amount, stand there and say nothing.
* If your art is priced and for sale and someone asks you why a certain
piece costs as much as it does, either tell them that's how much it's
worth, that's how much you want for it, or that you don't know.
* Never ask for feedback about your art. If anyone gives you feedback,
ignore it. This way, you'll have no idea what people think about your
art, whether they understand it, whether they like it, whether it comes
across as effectively as you think it does, or why anyone would want to
show or own it.
* Complain about dealers, other artists, your lack of being recognized,
ignorant collectors, and as many other aspects of the art world as
possible.
* Whenever you have an appointment to show your art, make sure you're
late. Better yet, cancel the appointment once or twice first; then make
sure you're late.
* If you've got a deadline to have your art ready for a show, miss it.
If you've got a deadline to have your statement, bio, or resume ready
for a show, catalog, or website, miss it.
* Assume that everyone understands your art as well as you do. Assume
also that understanding your art is the viewer's responsibility, not
yours.
* Answer "no" to as many questions about your art as possible.
* Correct people's "misconceptions" about your art as often as possible.
* When someone asks a question about your art, instead of answering it,
ask a question right back.
* If you get a show, contact other "better" galleries as soon as
possible and tell them about your show, but then say you'd rather show
with them.
* Make sure that dealers who currently represent or show your art have
no idea you can hardly wait to blow them off and move on to someone
better.
* Make sure not to cultivate or respect any business relationships or
agreements, especially ones that work.
* Believe that if one gallery or dealer can sell your art, that all
galleries or dealers can sell it.
* Believe that your art sells itself, not the gallery or dealer who's
selling it for you.
* Talk about attorneys, suing people, your legal rights as an artist,
what happens if someone crosses you, that you don't want anyone
reproducing images of your art, that you don't want anyone photographing
your art, that you keep names on file of everyone who gets sent images
of your art, and so on.
* Try to figure out as fast as possible whether the person you're
talking to is worth talking to. If you decide they're not worth talking
to, leave immediately.
* Ignore any suggestions anyone makes about any aspect of how you
present yourself or your art.
* And last, but certainly not least, never do anything for anybody
unless there's something in it for you.
There you go-- your first class ticket to pfffft. Good luck!! |
| Copyright: Alan
Bamberger, 2006. All rights reserved. |
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